Ramble Central

It's very likely I won't get all the details correct. This is mostly based on feelings, memories, and some old text threads. I also smoke daily so

As I said before, the beginning was hazy. I honestly barely remember our first meeting I just remember after it we became almost inseparable. When I say 'we' I include Star in that. It's important to note I rarely hung out with Spiral alone. This isn't necessarily a red flag but I feel like that was something I did subconsciously due to the behavior I noticed from her. Our friendship would consist of me pulling up to Spiral's apartment (that Star also lived and paid rent in). They had moved in somewhat quickly while dating due to their own circumstances, (a common theme I saw across the covid and post lockdown era were couples being somewhat forced to live together due to the strain of the world events piling on with family issues etc etc...).

We would either
• Get drunk/high and watch trash TV/Movies
• Get drunk/high then go to the club

It was pretty simple, it's funny how something so mundane could explode over the course of a year or so. I still do this kind of shit with my friends since I'm very easy to please when it comes to most relationships. For a good while it was a cute occasional treat, every other weekend we'd stroll onto another event. We would pregame (I don't really drink so I'd be taking consecutive bong hits, rolling multiple spliffs etc), get dressed, spend money on transportation, and go. I would rarely explicitly ask to go out. I was always invited because...I thought we were friends? Star and/or Spiral would cover me for most expenses as I was juggling through bullshit jobs, occasional money from tatting, and mutual aid when I was literally starving. During this time I had flown through two part time bullshit jobs that eventually landed me into a everlasting burnout. This then led to me job searching for about 2 years. I always felt grateful for having friends who would include me and cover me and I tried to make sure to show gratitude when I could throughout our friendship. For a while it was sweet, tender even.

Every other weekend became every weekend. I was unemployed as fuck, there was no reason (besides money) for me to not be out. Star worked part time and Spiral was a full time barista who did opening shifts but still managed to find time to party. I condemned her for this, unaware of how damaging it was for her. I bummed on their couch every weekend when I wasn't stewing in the bedroom at my "dad"s place. As time went on there were little red flags I noticed, but wrote off because of our so-called friendship.

One of the most prominent irks that manifested would happen during our routine pregame. Star and I would smoke and Spiral would drink. A lot. For reference, I would roll around 2-3 spliffs to share among the group and since Spiral barely smoked I would usually end up sharing most of the weed with Star while we would rip a few bowls. I was and still am a stoner. I'm not gonna use this blogpost to get into whether or not weed itself is addictive, but I can say that I'm prone to compulsive behaviors. I can also say I depend on weed to get me through the days since I'm like 99% sure I'm sure flavor of various mental illness with a concoction of ADHD and Autism at the very front of that. Some people get panicky with weed, others get calm. I'm usually the latter. With that being said, I'm not sure what the alcohol equivalent would be to a few spliffs and bowls, but Spiral would down shots like no tomorrow after a certain point. A new bottle was being bought multiple times throughout the week in that household.

Like any other group of friends we would poke fun at each other, engage in banter, etc. A common theme that Spiral would bring up is the fact that Star and I were such stoners and that we smoked so much. We never denied this fact anytime it was brought up and usually would just roast Spiral back about her own love of alcohol. We would (seemingly) reach the conclusion that we all have our vices but it's okay cause we're not letting them consume us...right?

In the moment it seemed like something that was just a joke any group of substance using friends would make. But, in hindsight I could tell that it might've dug at her deeper than it did to Star or me. Sometimes she wouldn't let it go, the joke would go on a bit longer than it should. Never quite an argument, but definitely a bit of back and forth. It was 2 vs 1 many times, but to me it wasn't a game or keeping points, it was just poking fun at each other. Our banter would also cover other topics, sometimes I was the target, sometimes it was Star, no one was safe from a roast in this group. Star would get roasted for being socially awkward, I would get roasted for being unemployed and Spiral would be roasted for being so type A. I never took it to heart cause her actions would show she clearly didn't have a problem with the things she poked fun at. I find out later that actions oftentimes don't align with one's thoughts.

As time went on everything became more intense. Spiral worked more hours, I was still in the thick of my weird relationship, and Star was dealing with family and the experience of living with a partner for the first time. Packages would start to show up every other day. Spiral was prone to binging on clothes from a certain notorious alternative clothing website. A lot of times she would give me pieces that were bought on impulse. Anytime she would give something to me she'd make a comment like: "You can have it since you're small and skinny, not like me." or "I can't fit it, I'm too fat, you're small you have it." This wouldn't be sometimes, it would be more often than not. Every single time it would put me in this painfully awkward position where I wouldn't be sure how to respond. I would say something like "Well you're not fat, shut up." cause she wasn't. We were around the same height and she was maybe 5-10 pounds more than me. I never really sugar coated it or made it a compliment because the size of your body is just the size of your body. Regardless, this was another red flag that I willfully ignored mainly because I felt like it would be fucked up to drop someone just cause they're a little insecure about their weight. The world is fatphobic as fuck so although her comments annoyed me it wasn't anything worth ending a friendship over.

She would compliment me a lot unprompted, this isn't a problem of course, and I would try to return the favor as best as I could cause she was a very stylish and pretty person despite her behavior. But her compliments always had an underlying bad flavor, sometimes it would just be this weird comparison game. Once while staring at a pretty instagram girl she remarked something along the lines of "I wish I looked like that" and I responded without really thinking "Why?? You're pretty" and she responded with something like "Well, you already look that way so" (I can't emphasize the fact that I did not look like this person beyond having dreads, light skin, and being vaguely alternative, I'm also trans-masc so it was just another layer of oddness. IDC about passing but still.) I was again stuck in that awkward position of not knowing what to say.

At this point, things get blurry

Our club excursions began to blend together. We never really were ones to go on multiple day benders and stay out past closing time, Spiral was newish to the scene (as was I) and Star just wasn't the type. They were the type to party, take a nap at home and then power through the morning shift. Star could somewhat maintain this lifestyle with their working hours, but we could tell it was wearing Spiral down as she was trying to play catch up with two people who had way less responsibilities. There are many nights that could be their own stories, but there were about 3 instances in particular that marked ...

The beginning of the End

We arrived to one of our regular spots that was currently going through its 3rd or 4th remodel. The space was cramped with a labyrinth-like layout but despite that it was always a cute time especially since it was always cheap or even free to get in. We did our ritualistic pregame, bantered, etc. Spiral took more shots than usual, but at this point no one was sober enough to really notice. The vibes were normal for the most part, nothing out of the ordinary, if anything the energy was a little lower than expected despite the presence of drugs.

We pull up, its the usual. Checkered floor, dark room, glowing lights, fog machine, smell of sweat, moving bodies, thumping bass. Everything we came for. I don't remember who played that night, I do remember enjoying the set and being somewhat bummed when our dancing was cut short. We hadn't been there long when Spiral informs us that she wants to sit down. Fair enough, the booths were cute in this club so we proceed to find a table in the back near coat check. Star and I began to roll up at the table. Spiral lays her head down on the table. I think nothing of this, even in hindsight I do think what happened next was uncalled for but it was still indicative of what was to come. Star and I try to talk to Spiral and realize she's very very drunk. Not sloppily drunk, but very sleepy. In any other setting this would've been fine, even in that setting I didn't feel any particular way about it until the bouncer walked to our table.

"You can't be sleeping in here, y'all gotta go."

Welp, looks like the party's over.

I won't lie, during that time I was genuinely irked at the bouncer, like WTF WDYM I can't sleep in the club??? but as I've gotten older I've realized well, no shit they don't want you asleep in the club. If you're that tired or that fucked up you need to be in a house, preferably your own, where you're safe. Obviously I'm sure it was less about safety to them and more about having a non-paying customer on the premises. If you're too drunk to stay awake then you're certainly too drunk to buy more drinks. They have no use for you anymore. We promptly left, cutting the night short with very little discussion of it afterwards besides a few jokes at the next pregame.

The next omen occurred on a night I can't fully remember. It might've just been another random free night we decided to pull up to the club. What I do vividly remember is a conversation Spiral had with me that was the first nail in the coffin of not only our friendship but her relationship. At this point, our friendship wasn't solely just partying, we had talked and connected about our shared experiences, having family from the same area, being black, being ND. We had enough in common to be somewhat close in the first place, so it was no surprise that she opened up to me about her feelings regarding her relationship. She revealed to me that this was her first relationship. Gulp. Basically she wasn't feeling it anymore, or more so, she wasn't sure what to feel. She brought up the idea of being poly. This is where I knew it was doomed and I'm speaking as a very intensely poly person. It's not a dynamic for everyone, I would even go as far as to say most people aren't equipped to navigate it due to how society places more importance/acceptance on monogamous ones.With that being said, it's never a good sign when a previously very monogamous relationship all of sudden opens up... Even though I already knew where it was heading I eventually gave her the green light to do whatever she felt was correct. I can't give anyone a step-by-step guide on how to navigate their relationship.

As one could imagine, I didn't wanna be the one responsible for her breaking up with my best friend since she was also a 'best' friend to me too. It felt like I could've lost both of them if I told her to break up with Star. But truthfully they should have not been together at that point. Spiral was making it clear that they had a poor understanding of Star's mental health struggles meanwhile, Star was pretty much a part time house maid while not at their own job. Although I cared about Spiral, their reasoning for wanting to break up boiled down to "My partner gets depressed sometimes and that makes me embarrassed." I tried to explain to her that she really shouldn't feel embarrassed over something she nor Star has any control of.

After these newfound resolutions, not much changed on the outside, although the amount of drinking increased. Spiral would tell tales of drinking on the clock to pregame as early as possible. Star was open to the idea of being poly so they tried it out. They were both hot alt people, so it was not very hard for them to find dates outside of each other. However we run into another night of strange vibes...

This night was a little different than our usual because I decided to mix friend groups. I think this night might be the reason I'm still hesitant with mixing friends. Flower and Pony joined us for a weekend outing at our usual place. Flower's a girl and Pony is not (at least openly and uses he/him for the most part). Again, not super important, but does play a role. For more context, these are both people I was either currently hooking up with or previously had. Both Spiral and Star were very aware of this fact. The night goes exceptionally well for the first part. During our back and forth from the dance floor to the front for a smoke break, Spiral basically tells me that they think Pony is pretty cute, I agree since I'm fucking them. I tell Spiral that he's basically free game since we're not anything beyond friends who play together sometimes. They were giddy after my blessing then proceeded to do....not really much with it.

They might've danced together but I wasn't paying much attention. In the background, Star seemed to wander from the group despite the seemingly good energy within the club. I asked them if they're okay and they said something along the lines of "Yeah just tired, y'all don't worry about me though and keep partying." I take shit literal so I followed commands. I twirled on the dance floor a bit with Flower and Pony. Spiral would pop in occasionally while (I'm assuming) checking in on Star.

We eventually come up for air and go to the front for another smoke break. The energy is oddly tense amongst Star and Spiral and I'm not sure why. There had been casual chatter but somehow Spiral brought everyone's attention to the matter of Star's mood.
The "convo" went something along the lines of:

"Why are you being like that? Can't you see we're having a good time? Just have fun! Ugh whatever let's just go home then."

All of us, including Star protested against that idea. We hadn't even been there long and there was still plenty of party left to be partied. Star insisted that everyone else stay and if it was really that much of an issue they would go home. Once again, my group protests against this. We reassured Star that they really weren't causing an issue, because truthfully they weren't. The only issue at that point had been the person who was needlessly blowing up a fairly inconsequential circumstance. It was too late though. Star's own profession was enough for Spiral to cement the idea of going home under the guise of "Since Star is being so mopey and sad we'll just go". Even though, everyone around us could see that wasn't the case.

The night begins to crawl to an end somewhat abruptly. Spiral calls a car for her and Star. They both tell me to let them know where I end up for the night since I'd usually leave with them but, I decided to stay at the club. Flower leaves soon after since she lived the furthest from all of us. Me and Pony remained, we dance for a bit and I follow them home. I didn't wanna deal with the potential annoyance of waking my "dad" up and of course I wouldn't turn down a night with Pony. It seems the night would end here, wouldn't it?

I woke up in Pony's dingy old room. It was oddly shaped, narrow, small, had high ceilings with off-white walls. The sunlight poured in harshly and unfiltered through it's large windows. Despite the grime I loved being in that room. It had hints of organization strewn across the cig butts, roaches, and cans of beer.

I groggily picked up my phone to see notifications from our group chat basically wondering where I am. I respond with my whereabouts and send a picture of me and Pony sitting on their bed. They're both seemingly relived. Later on in the day I talk to Star as normal. They talk to me about their feelings that night and how they were feeling a bit of jealously about Spiral being attracted to Pony. This was a valid feeling for them to have, especially being in a newly opened relationship. I basically tell them that. They then tell me how Spiral also felt some feelings towards me spending the night with Pony. I was initially confused as to why even as Star explained further.

The reasoning was vague and played off as Spiral being worried about where I was. This was also strange to me since I wasn't left alone. In my mind I thought she would just assume I had gone with one of the friends I invited. I told Star this and nothing really came out of it. Star and I discussed this later on and it was revealed to me that Spiral specifically wasn't into the fact that me and Pony hooked up that night. I guess I could maybe understand, but I did make it clear that this person was someone I was currently hooking up with regardless of if my friend wanted to as well. We're two different people who can fuck who we want/ when we want. I also wasn't the person who was in a rush to leave because they felt "embarrassed". I was being falsely accused of cockblocking! Regardless, the issue didn't linger long. I apologized for unintentionally causing her to worry but was unsure what I was really supposed to be sorry for. It was more of an appeasement.

After this, our routine continues without much change but, things do began to ramp up. The purchases piled up (including a one time purchase of around 20-30 BBW Candles that were on sale) and eventually led to a new puppy. To keep this short, I'm not a dog person. I watched the puppy sometimes when asked since I had so much free time. I always obliged because why not? It wasn't much work since it was a baby and it would only be a couple hours. Nothing really remarkable happened with the dog itself besides a few incidents of her knocking things off the table, but that's to be expected. The existence of this dog just seemed to emphasize whatever dysfunction that was already there. The dog would be calm around me and Star, but seemed to only act out towards Spiral.

In the midst of all this, Spiral goes through the death of a parent, something I'm all too familiar with. Unsurprisingly, things start to go downhill at warp speed. Everything began to crumble in a matter of a couple months. Spiral was in therapy and of course utilized this resource. I remember one time I woke up on their futon to the sound of Spiral on the phone. I laid there, accidentally eavesdropping. Once I began to pickup on the conversation, I realize how devastating it is.

"Oh yeah definitely, I've cut down on drinking a lot. Like once a week."

This wasn't true at the time and as the conversation went on, I realized she was talking to her therapist. I laid there like a rock until she left for work a few minutes later. I felt a pit inside my stomach after processing the bits of conversation I heard. As much as it winded me, it made sense. It made everything make sense. I wasn't sure what to do with this new information I heard.

I'm sure I've gotten things out of order and that there were probably more instances of fuckery, but all of what I described was the highlight reel of the ending of our friendship and her relationship. What I'm about to describe next was her season finale.

The Last Days

This series of events was dragged out for about a week or two. Looking back and even now, everything that happened was extremely stupid and could've easily been avoided with a simple conversation. But that can also be said for this whole relationship. Either way, it started around Halloweekend. I fucking love Halloween, no surprise. Being a Scorpio and an astrology nerd, that whole time of year invigorates me like nothing else. Spiral was also a Scorpio, although she was not really into the whole astrology aspect, was also excited for the season and so was Star. We were (and still are) essentially overgrown emo kids.

As with every weekend, we had scoured our news feeds for what was to come and since we knew Halloweekend would be active, we started to look earlier than usual. This is important to the snowball effect that occurs later. We eventually come across a party featuring a DJ that we all loved and tried to see as much as we could before his ticket prices rose. It was gonna be a perfect weekend, we naively thought. Days leading up to the party we would sit around the house swapping our fantasies about what music will play and what costumes we were gonna wear. Everyone had their own plans, how their makeup would be, what contacts to wear, what accessories they would need. There was excitement in the air every time it was mentioned. "The weekend...the weekend...the weekend."

The day of the party approaches. Spiral and Star return from work. I'm there watching the dog. As everyone arrives we all seemingly confirm plans. It's early in the day and we aren't planning to get to the party until near midnight. At this point, there is plenty of time to get ready. Spiral announces that she's going to nap before the party. Makes sense since she just came from work. Star and I slowly began to mentally prep for the night ahead. A few hours pass and it becomes time to actually get ready and not just think about getting ready. Star attempts to wake Spiral up. They play the "10 more minutes" game for a bit. Another hour or so passes. We still have a bit of time to go but we're cutting it close. Star goes into the room again, trying to coax Spiral out of bed. Once again, they play the same game. After a bit of back and forth, Spiral announces that they're no longer coming out. They're too tired. Bummer. But it's not the end of the world, there were other events that weekend. It wouldn't be the last time we went out and it wouldn't be the first time they missed a function. Among somewhat normal people, I imagine Spiral would've just slept through the party, maybe feel a bit of FOMO and then we'd just turn up the night after, right?

LOL. Right. Star and I proceed to get ready, throughout this Star asks Spiral again to make sure that they're concrete in their decision to not pop out to this party that we'd all been hyping up for days. Spiral reiterates how tired they are from work. The time to leave gets closer and closer. Star is in their maid outfit and I'm in a makeshift angel outfit with five eyes painted on a white face. Including wings bought from amazon by Spiral who clicked add to cart on before I could even get my costume idea out. (I also feel the need to emphasize once again that I literally never asked or hinted for this girl to buy me literally any thing besides maybe food. When it came to clothes or anything else, it would just be a matter of me mentioning it and her taking it upon herself to get it for me. I'm not the type to say "no you shouldn't" to be polite. I'm being deadass, you shouldn't buy me things especially if you're gonna feel bitter about it later. Be a gift giver cause you like giving gifts not cause you expect something in return.)

Star and I are ready to go. We let Spiral know we're leaving, she groggily says her goodbye. Our car is waiting downstairs, almost ready to leave. We rush down the stairs, nearly missing our ride. As we're sitting in the car, quite literally moving away from the building, Star receives a barrage of texts and calls. Spiral has changed their mind at the very literal last second. But it's too fucking late. And I find it hard to believe she didn't know this and even back then I thought the same thing. Star and I sat there in bewilderment as we tried to wrap our heads around what she expected us to do in that moment. Turn the car around? There was no way she would've gotten ready in enough time that wouldn't have resulted in extra rideshare app fees....If we had a friend driving us around, or we were taking the train, sure we could come back. But we explained to her that we quite literally were already on our way and also mention the fact that Star attempted to wake her up at least 4 separate times throughout the night with her continuously saying she was too tired to go kinda gave us the idea that she was ....too tired to go out?

Regardless, she wasn't trying to hear anything that wasn't essentially "Omg you're the most important person in the world right now and we will literally change the physics of time around us to make it so that you can go to this dingy little club in the city." There wasn't so much an argument over the phone, more so Spiral just Spiraling over the phone. I don't remember much of what was said but it was basically berating us for leaving without her while us explaining to her that she literally told us to leave her. There was no winning. We go to the DJ set despite all that. I don't even remember if we actually went into the venue, but there was an underlying scent of doom in the air.

Star's phone is being blown up again. Spiral is being fucking hysterical over feeling "disrespected" but not being able to place an actual reason why. Spiral essentially tells Star and I to come back and get all our stuff from her house, but that we're also not welcome to sleep there. There's more back and forth, about some very stupid shit, that I once again genuinely can't remember because most of it was a mixture of guilt-tripping and victimizing herself. I basically tell her she's tweaking out on us because she's grieving. Not verbatim of course, but she angrily dismisses me even though it's as clear as fucking day and had been for months at that point. I couldn't go back to my "dad's" since it was so late and with all shade, I did not want to be anywhere near her with her unable to take even an ounce of accountability. In that moment, the friendship was over to me regardless if Star stayed with Spiral or not. Star walked away to talk to Spiral alone. I sit on the stairs of the high line chain smoking and trying to figure out my next steps for the night. I eventually get saved by my current partner who tells me to meetup with them during their closing shift at a bar. I show up in costume and explain the bit of lore I went through and end up spending the night with them. Star ended up back at Spirals place. Star and I text each other about our whereabouts to make sure we're safe. The night ends, but the tension lingers.

The following days, Star and I text about what happened. We don't really learn anything new but we do realize things and start putting pieces together. It wasn't that hard and it was something we knew all along. The drinking had escalated and this was the pot boiling over. We both dealt with alcoholic, deadbeat, parents, we've seen the outbursts followed by the begging for forgiveness. I tell Star that this friendship is basically dead to me as I see no benefit in keeping someone around who can't even recognize that they're even somewhat dependent on a substance to get them through life. And even further, someone who lashes out to try gain some false sense of control over the same "friends" they cry literal tears to about how much they "value the friendship and never had friends like this before".

Well maybe she didn't have a friends like 'that' before because she didn't deserve them.

I attempt to apologize, but truthfully I did not care if she accepted it or not. At that point I just wanted to get my stuff out of her space and return whatever she wanted back from me. I had broken up with my ex not long before this, so I was jaded and worn down from her antics. I was more than ready to cut off anymore dead ends that were dragging me down. My message went something along the lines of "My bad for overstepping into your conversation, I did it out of care, hope you feel better, lmk when I can get my stuff." Just with more fluff of course. She goes silent on both me and Star for a day or so until she types me a paragraph that shows she's still clearly brooding from the events prior. I could just insert the message verbatim here but I'll give some grace and summarize it in a somewhat more favorable manner.

She basically dismisses the apology and accuses me of being unable to take "accountability" for butting in the conversation between her and Star, feeling vaguely "disrespected" because of that but still not explaining why beyond the fact that I dared speak in a situation that indirectly involved me. She also said something along the lines of "not understanding why I sent this" and saying how she "never disrespected either of us" which simply wasn't true and there is literal examples of that in this post, along with Star's own anecdotes. I never felt personally disrespected by her, because frankly I didn't care that much about anything she had to say about me. She tries to play it off as if the main issue is me not getting my stuff right when she said so and the fact that Star kept "involving me in their conversation", which if that was the case, why the fuck are you mad at me for? Talk to your partner about that, not me. She talks about "lack of communication" as if using certain phrasing would make the situation any less petty and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

To me, the message read like she was trying to incite an argument so I could say a few magic sentences that would confirm to her that I was never really friends with her and reveal how I hated her all this time with detailed explanations as to why. Something to just validate her negative feelings over being unable to control the people around her since she was clearly losing control of herself. In a separate chat with Star, I show them the message and we both share equal disappointment around the outcome. The friendship had already been over for me, at this point it was her trying to score with a few seconds left.

I send her a "Fair enough, lmk when I can get my stuff and you won't hear from me again." There was no point in arguing with her. I truly did not care to fight for a friendship where I always felt this weird unresolved hidden insecure energy. She let me know soon after that I could come by. I update Star as well since the two were in relationship limbo. I end up going to the apartment and I'm greeted by a very meek looking Spiral. I was almost irritated by the sight of her. The nerve of her to stand there feigning innocence as if she didn't do a complete 180 just days earlier by intentionally putting us in slightly dubious situations. At the same time, I felt really bad. I knew after this, she was going to be alone by no fault but her own. She stood there looking at me sadly, letting out an apology that I barely remember. I acknowledged it, not really accepting it, but made sure not to extend the invitation of continued friendship. The bridge was being burned with a single match in front of her.

I made this face :| at her as I picked up the last of my things and left. I never saw her in person again after that. Once again, with any semi-normal person, the shitshow would surely end here, right? What more could be said? What more can be done? I know it's long but we're almost to the end. She just had to hold on till it bled.

A day or two passes. Star and I had been speaking of course, cause despite the chaos we harbor no ill feelings towards each other since we realize much of whats happening is out of our control. Suddenly, a paragraph in our thought-to-be abandoned group chat pops up. It's a very lackluster attempt from Spiral trying to gain one last modicum of control. She tries to berate me for a host of unknown reasons and unspecific mentions of "disrespect" once again. The summary of it was basically:

"You're weird and fake (doesn't explain how) You have no right to feel awkward around me (after she deliberately attempted to put me out on the street knowing my toxic housing situation.) I was forced into a situation and you're acting like a victim (quite literally projecting as I'm still confused to this day what situation we forced her into. She slept all day before the party and decided she wanted to go while everyone had already left. Who was forced to do what, when, where, and why?) You didn't have to accept my apology but why aren't you cutting off Star if you don't wanna be my friend anymore (I'm being very favorable in my summary of this part, cause the way she typed it you could tell it was out of drunken rage. It wasn't as direct but it was basically that idea. She said verbatim, "But to act weird and say one thing, then be a different way to other people is really telling" which basically reads to me as my above interpretation since the only other person we mutually knew was Star. We didn't share friends, there was no "other people" to "be a different way to" whatever the fuck that means.)

I was way too gracious with you and you didn't return the favor (she actually says "we' in this part even though Star is not participating in the group chat and at this point we were both equally annoyed about Star's behavior. Also this part of the text was just funny to me because it just confirmed my feelings of the friendship being weirdly transactional. It's why I reiterate many times how I never asked for shit from her, it was just freely given. I was always transparent about my inability to return the favor in material/monetary value and it was never an issue until she wanted to gain some sense of control.)

You never considered "us" friends (again dragging Star into the equation despite them not really being present to push back on anything and also yeah I stopped considering her a friend after realizing she didn't want actual friends around her who cared about her well-being, she wanted yes-men who validated every choice she made regardless if it was beneficial to her livelihood or not. If you don't give a fuck about yourself, why should I?) You're not really a good person (I know, I'm great. I also never claimed this LMFAO) You're not welcome in our space, I don't wanna hear anything from you ever again. (I already said everything I needed to say on the night she blew up on us, the friendship was over long before this paragraph. I didn't plan on going back. Ever.)

When I first saw that message I was instantly and deeply annoyed to the very core. Like a giant mosquito bite was on my forehead, beginning to settle into the essence of my being. Again, I had the feeling that this was just bait. Just a bunch of words to get me to say the magic phrase that would make her feel validated in her anger. Although at that point, any response (or even none) would've just confirmed to her that "I never cared about her" in the first place. I simply said "Ok" then blocked her on all platforms. It wasn't worth the headache that was very quickly creeping on. Star and I went on to discuss what the actual fuck was going on. Star was starting to realize how unsalvageable the relationship was and very soon (like a couple days soon) the two broke up and moved out the shared space.

I never heard from her again. Star might've been in low contact a little after but I'm not sure. We eventually learned about her whereabouts sometime in the future. From what I've heard, she had not really gotten any better. I'm not surprised. I heard whispers of her still being unhinged and stealing from her new roommates and skipping rent.

What went wrong?

I'm not entirely sure, but I have a vague idea. All the intensity and eventual snowballing into collapse happened in the matter of 2-3 months. Before that, there wasn't anything explicitly wrong. But the foundations of our friendship was weak. It was unbalanced and not honest. Too many weak spots in our foundation led to our inevitable collapse. The added obstacle of navigating through grief didn't make it easier, although I think it would've crumbled regardless of that. All it took was one night of her feeling left out to burn everything in this weird loyalty test. That whole final night seemed like a loyalty test, her trying to see how far Star or I would go to ensure she would have a good night. It then extended into more loyalty tests, what she probably viewed as "giving us more chances to redeem ourselves" when we both had already been mostly checked out.

Our friendship seemed more circumstantial to me, but it was deeply profound to her although she struggled to express how deeply she felt. I only found out these feelings later through Star, and even then, if it hadn't been shown throughout the relationship, then how much actual love was there? To me, I didn't interpret her drunk crying to Star and I as an admission of how much she cared, but more so a display of codependency taking over. Even as her friend, it made me deeply uncomfortable on the rare occasion it would happen, because it was only out of drunkenness and never in a moment of sobriety. It reminded me too much of my dad drunk crying to me as a child. It would be one thing if we were drunk crying over a night out and feeling good. But drunk crying in your living room casts a depressive, helpless, vibe over the whole concept. It also bothered me because I never felt that depth. We had discussion and talks, sure but fundamentally I always felt too different from her (at least in how she reacted to things) to relate on the deep level she was allegedly feeling. We were similar enough to bond over surface-level interests and we were around each other constantly. We were good friends, but I've had more depth in my friendships from elementary school than I did with her.

Ultimately, I was a fair-weather friend that she was desperately trying to mold into some sort of minion for life. There were other weird instances between us that confirmed these suspicions to me too that I didn't realize until towards the end of our friendship. Little things like her expecting me to hold things for her or throw them out without question. Strange little things like that.

There was also the obvious underlying insecurity and weird jealously. In the midst of the final days, she vaguely mentioned not trusting Star and I and "not liking how we moved". Again, she could never just fucking directly say how she felt, especially during this time. It was always referring to something but not actually putting a name to it. She obviously suspected that we were fucking or something behind her back. Despite the fact that I simply don't harbor those types of feelings for Star nor do they to me. We were (and are) at a point in our friendship where that would be extremely incestuous. But it was very clear to me that Spiral thought "something" was going on. Either that we were secretly romantically involved or maybe secretly plotting against her. The closest we got to "plotting" was expressing our disappointment in her behavior and trying to figure out how to navigate the weird shit she was putting us through.

It does start to make sense once I realize she was something who literally never navigated a relationship outside of her family members before. Maybe the concept of an actual best friend that you can discuss things with and have disagreements with without it turning into a whole spectacle was foreign to her. We grew up from similar Caribbean backgrounds so I'm familiar with the concept of "having an opinion differing from an authority figure = disrespect" but through our talks, I naively thought she wanted to grow away from those toxic ideas. It seems she didn't wanna end the toxic cycle, more so be at the front of it.

I wish I could say we had so many good memories and it was an awesome friendship despite all that, but I've honestly had way too many exceptionally better experiences since then that it would feel a bit insulting to even put this in the same category. It was a learning experience, though. I don't regret much. Not what I did say or didn't say. I feel like I did/said everything that could've been done or said without needlessly escalating the situation like it seemed like she so desperately wanted me to do. I do feel sorry that it happened, but I have no desire to ever reach out to her again. This bout of fuckery ends here, but for me its the first of many strange characters I encounter in my 20's who seemingly can't conceptualize having friends without trying to impose weird power games on them.

If she ever comes across this all I have to say is: I hope you got some genuine help that you didn't ferociously push away. And if you still don't see anything wrong with any of what happened during this time then idk and idc. I just needed to write this out because I was tired of explaining this lore to the same handful of people and also to reflect on my life.

Next installment....soon.

I was born on 11/11/99 into a group of people I'm not quite sure I can call a family. Both sides of my family are unequivocally fucked up in their own special ways. I realized this at the ripe age of 7, when my mom died from literal breast cancer (my first few years of childhood were so tragic it's almost melodramatically funny). I can barely remember what it was like being with my mom, but I can vividly remember how the dynamic changed in the family from then on. As anyone could imagine, I began to morph into a strange child shaped vessel holding the emotions of adults around me. Especially my 'dad' who decided to grieve by collecting addictions in gambling, alcohol, and half-assedly starting another 'family".

(A lot of this blog is gonna be me waxing and waning about my various daddy and mommy issues thrown in with the results of said issues.)
Me, my older sister, and my 2 older brothers had been living in a small railroad style apartment with my mom right before she passed. She was going back to school and working at a store called pay-half that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist anymore. The layout of this apartment was less than ideal. My sister and I had our room in the middle of my mom's bedroom and the guest room that my brothers rotated amongst themselves. The living room was in the front as soon as you walked in and the kitchen was off to the side with the bathroom tucked into the corner.

As my mom grew sicker we slowly transitioned to my aunt's house. My aunt was a cold and distant Trinidadian woman who had her two adult children still living under her in a 2 family brownstone. Along with my two cousins, lived her grandson, her mother (our Granny), and eventually became a revolving door of various cousins throughout my time being there. My aunt would go through the motions and get into various petty conflicts over cleaning and "feeling disrespected" that would lead to screaming matches and my siblings, cousins, and eventually me getting kicked out. That series of events deserves its own post, but that's the spark notes version of my time living with my aunt. My dad would periodically show up for holidays and birthdays to do his big one then proceed to fuck off for the rest of the year.

For most of my teenage years living in my aunt's house, I spent a lot of time on the internet, as any neglected kid with a computer would. One of the occasional gifts I received from my dad one Christmas was a mini acer pink laptop that is solely responsible for the brain worms I harbor today. The times I had on that thing was an era on its own. My whole internet teenage experience will also have to be its own blog post because it seemed like each year I would learn or do something more insane. With the internet as a constant background player in my life, I navigated through my house more or less like a ghost. My family would exhaust me to an insane degree, so I would do everything in my power to avoid them. My house would often be eerily quiet or an eruption of chaos. No in between. Eventually the years of resentment built up and one fight over putting "wet dishes on dry dishes" lead to me getting booted at the age of 19. There's way more to that story but once again, to avoid making a 10 page intro post, I'm giving the sparknotes version of my major life events.

Right around that time the seedlings of covid were being spread without any of us knowing. I got a new boyfriend, got kicked out, dropped out of school, got a job, then the world shut down. The years of 2019-2022 once again deserve their own post, but looking back I can say it was an extremely pivotal moment in my life and I'm sure a lot of other people can relate to that.

The spark notes of that era include
• moved in with my ex due to the pandemic
• learned to drive
• gained a weed dependency
• learned how to grow shrooms
• discovered everything about myself
• and MORE!!

The last couple of years I stayed with my "dad". Once again, an era I'm literally currently working through in my brain and my next posts on here will probably go into depth about that whole debacle. In similar fashion to my aunt, years of resentment built up leading to me getting kicked out. This time was different but the underlying reason was the same. Despite the annoyance of dealing with zealous control freak parental figures, I luckily had the support of my friends and loved ones around me. Currently I'm living on my own (with roommates ofc, we not rich yet) for the first time ever in my life. I'm finally at a place where I can speak without being deathly afraid of some type of judgement from family members who hold basic necessities over me.

This was long and rambly, but this is my public diary after all. I just wanted to lay down a quick, dirty, snapshot of my lore for anyone who's wondered why I act so fucking weird sometimes. Those are the tip of the iceberg reasons.

If you read all this....Thank you or I'm sorry